Nothing makes a parent dive faster into their own inadequacies than when they learn their kid is a bully. Like a lot of parents, you spend your time instilling all sorts of virtues in your kids, hoping they stick. But when you find out your kid isn’t living by the Golden Rule of treating others how they want to be treated, you take it personally—your kid should know better than this, right?
Bullying is serious business. And while it’s not new, some aspects of bullying have changed over the years. These days, bullying doesn’t just happen on school grounds, but online, too. Bullying has damaging and sometimes long-term mental health consequences for everyone involved, so it’s important parents are proactive and respond quickly.
Here are some ways you can intervene:
Be observant. Keep an eye out for any consistent signs of distress in your kid, like mood changes or withdrawal from normal activities—these are usually indicators of something bigger at play. Relational bullying, the least noticeable form of bullying, can be very painful. Since kids place a high value on friendships, rejection from their peer group can leave them feeling worthless and shameful.
Start the conversation. Begin by asking if your kid has ever experienced bullying or witnessed it happening to someone else. Use this opportunity to share the different forms of bullying and cyberbullying—it’s possible your kid may not be aware their behaviors qualify as bullying. If you know they’re indeed a bully, be direct but also communicate care and concern.
Do some self-examination. Interactions kids experience at home can become patterns for how they interact with others outside the home. Kids who observe name-calling, insults, unkind jokes about race or gender, or even manipulation from friends or family members may exhibit similar behaviors at school.
Teach empathy. Healthy human interactions require empathy. To feel a connection with someone, we must first care how our behavior affects them. Some kids who bully have a tough time with empathy. The good news is empathy is a skill that can be taught.
Be proactive. Intervention comes in many forms. If you find out your kid is bullying, connect with others for guidance and help with addressing the problem, keep an eye out for bully behavior indicators at home, and stay engaged in your kid’s life. Kids who sense an overall connection with their parents are less likely to engage in bullying.
If you believe your kid is experiencing harm or harming another person, seek support from a professional counselor. For even more information about how you can intervene with intention, check out this article by licensed professional counselor, Dr. Chinwé Williams here.
Additional resources to help you talk to your kid about bullying...
What to Do When You Find Out Your Child is Being Bullied
Many young people, and some adults, lack a fundamental understanding of what is considered bullying. Here’s what to do when your kid is being bullied.
Bullying should no longer be dismissed as a rite of passage. Bullying has damaging and sometimes long-term mental health consequences for all those involved.
As much as we’d like to enclose our kids in a protective bubble and keep them away from all conflict, the reality is, we can’t do that. Conflict is a very real part of life and it’s something kids experience quite early. Here’s how to help them navigate conflict on this episode of the Parent Cue Live podcast.
What to Do When You Notice Your Kid Is Struggling Socially
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Feelings are hard to identify sometimes, for both you and your kid. The Feeling Wheel is a great tool to help your kid or teen name how they're feeling and put words to their emotions.