Influence is a wild journey that every parent is on. We go from controlling every aspect of their life and schedule as a baby, to hoping they’ll ask for (and listen to) our opinion as a teenager. 

This raises an important question: How exactly does influence work? 

So, let’s consider influence like this:

We listen most to the people we love the most.

A parent is the greatest influence in a kid’s life. While our influence may wax and wane with the seasons, there are general rules of thumb for how to gain (and lose) that all-so-important influence. 

Here are five ways to increase the influence you have with your kid:

1. Do what you said you were going to do when you said you were going to do it. It cultivates trust, confidence, and even respect.

2. Enforce limits. Don’t think you’re helping your kids by letting them off the hook with commitments, boundaries, and responsibilities. One day, they’ll thank you for it.

3. Treat one another with kindness. Treat the people closest to you with more kindness than anyone else (it’s natural, by the way, to do the opposite).

4. Don’t overindulge your kids, let rewards be rewards. As a rule, you shouldn’t give your kids rewards for nothing, or for simply doing what’s expected of them.

5. Work on your own character. When your kids see you developing your faith and character, you will have a greater impact on their lives.

Influence takes time to gain, but can quickly be lost. Here are five ways to lose it:

1. Threaten consequences, but never carry them out. Then your kids will know to never take you seriously.

2. Shame, guilt, and frustrate your children. Eventually they’ll want to get as far away from you as they can.

3. Try to be their best friend. Your kids need a parent more than they need another buddy. 

4. Treat your spouse poorly. Your kids will lose respect for you rapidly.

5. Be inconsistent. If your kids never know where you stand, they’ll lose trust in you.

Influence is something to pay attention to no matter what stage of parenting you’re at, because by the time our sons and daughters are 18 and ready to face life on their own, influence is all we have left.